This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us. Its exploding with power and detail and dimension.
Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for my very specific, perfectly-fitted part to play. But God uses willing hands, not spectacular ones. I'm learning that he uses passionate people, not extraordinarily-gifted ones. We all want to feel that sense of everything coming together, our gifts and our passions and our life experiences. We all want to have that “I was made for this” feeling. I've kind of been searching for that and starting to toy with the idea of looking for new career options. I was raised by a very involved "stay at home" mom and all of my friends mom's were the same way. I've always had the idea that I would do the same thing. I've gone through life kind of judging mom's who choose to work because I felt like they weren't putting their families first. The longer that I am a mom the more I am realizing that thats not always true. Not only can some families not afford to live off of only one working parents salary but sometimes a moderate work schedule can actually make you a better mom. Obviously I believe that when you choose to have children, you choose to live a different life. You choose to give your whole self and to always do what is best for your children but I've been seeing the good that people can bring the world through their gifts and passions... and sometimes they are moms!
Despite the guilt I feel for even wanting to work when I am able to stay home with Marley, I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. Through sitting at our neighborhood lake and watching Marley play with a grouping of rocks for hours or while at the beach watching her sift sand through her fingertips while reveling in the rich universe of her own mind, I've realized so much about her and about me and about the rest of the human race. We were created in Gods image and we know him to be, among a million other things, a Creator. Naturally this would mean he created us to create. Our minds are like sponges and although it becomes less evident as we grow older, they still yearn to grow and learn and create. My brain feels like its shriveling up and dying sometimes. YouTube has officially become my new form of "homework". I miss the feeling i get during my creative process when a thousand little pieces come together and show me a completely new side of myself. I miss feeling like what I'm doing really matters on a different level than most things. I miss that moment when all the light bulbs turn on all at once when I've been in the dark for so long. Its so hard to carve out the necessary time needed to do "hobby" related things, because there are so many other things that have to get done. Its hard for me to merge being a mom and an artist because even though those worlds overlap in some places, I haven't figured out a way to give the time and focus that is needed for both jobs all at once. I'm not quite sure if wanting to separate them and work a little bit makes me selfish or not I'm still trying to navigate my way through what God wants me to do.
I have been a little discouraged by the amount of schooling that is required and my lack of training and the amount of creative competition there is in the different fields that I am considering. The more I think about art in general though, the more i realize that its never about market demand, its never about whether there is a need for another artist or musician or painter in the world. The world would probably run just fine without another photographer or stylist, but its about doing the thing that makes you feel whole, even if its the exact same thing so many others are doing all around you. You could be that one person who does it a little bit different. You could be the next Picasso or Elvis of our time. I have journals from when I was a little girl riddled with pages and scribblings about my need to learn and create and my frustration about my lack of technical ability to re-create the crazy things in my mind. Except for a dramatic teenager tone behind all my past writing, nothing has really changed. I still feel that overwhelming need, and that frustrating lack of ability. I don't know if five more years will pass and I will still be writing about this and I don't know if my personality will ever really find one thing that gives me that "I was made for this" feeling, it may be a culmination of a lot of different things. But i do know that I have this ravenous hunger for life and learning and I cant wait to see where it takes me. I may not have overly skilled hands, but I have a willing heart.