Today we celebrated the life of Bryan's dad in honor of Father's Day. Bryan's sister got live butterflies and Marley and her cousins got to hold them and release them. The kiddo's are a little too young to understand the complicated concept of life and death so we left all that out and just let them run around and enjoy time with family. Although I have never met Volmer, I am beyond grateful to him for the role he played in my husbands life. Life is so short, enjoy every second.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us. Its exploding with power and detail and dimension.
Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for my very specific, perfectly-fitted part to play. But God uses willing hands, not spectacular ones. I'm learning that he uses passionate people, not extraordinarily-gifted ones. We all want to feel that sense of everything coming together, our gifts and our passions and our life experiences. We all want to have that “I was made for this” feeling. I've kind of been searching for that and starting to toy with the idea of looking for new career options. I was raised by a very involved "stay at home" mom and all of my friends mom's were the same way. I've always had the idea that I would do the same thing. I've gone through life kind of judging mom's who choose to work because I felt like they weren't putting their families first. The longer that I am a mom the more I am realizing that thats not always true. Not only can some families not afford to live off of only one working parents salary but sometimes a moderate work schedule can actually make you a better mom. Obviously I believe that when you choose to have children, you choose to live a different life. You choose to give your whole self and to always do what is best for your children but I've been seeing the good that people can bring the world through their gifts and passions... and sometimes they are moms!
Despite the guilt I feel for even wanting to work when I am able to stay home with Marley, I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. Through sitting at our neighborhood lake and watching Marley play with a grouping of rocks for hours or while at the beach watching her sift sand through her fingertips while reveling in the rich universe of her own mind, I've realized so much about her and about me and about the rest of the human race. We were created in Gods image and we know him to be, among a million other things, a Creator. Naturally this would mean he created us to create. Our minds are like sponges and although it becomes less evident as we grow older, they still yearn to grow and learn and create. My brain feels like its shriveling up and dying sometimes. YouTube has officially become my new form of "homework". I miss the feeling i get during my creative process when a thousand little pieces come together and show me a completely new side of myself. I miss feeling like what I'm doing really matters on a different level than most things. I miss that moment when all the light bulbs turn on all at once when I've been in the dark for so long. Its so hard to carve out the necessary time needed to do "hobby" related things, because there are so many other things that have to get done. Its hard for me to merge being a mom and an artist because even though those worlds overlap in some places, I haven't figured out a way to give the time and focus that is needed for both jobs all at once. I'm not quite sure if wanting to separate them and work a little bit makes me selfish or not I'm still trying to navigate my way through what God wants me to do.
I have been a little discouraged by the amount of schooling that is required and my lack of training and the amount of creative competition there is in the different fields that I am considering. The more I think about art in general though, the more i realize that its never about market demand, its never about whether there is a need for another artist or musician or painter in the world. The world would probably run just fine without another photographer or stylist, but its about doing the thing that makes you feel whole, even if its the exact same thing so many others are doing all around you. You could be that one person who does it a little bit different. You could be the next Picasso or Elvis of our time. I have journals from when I was a little girl riddled with pages and scribblings about my need to learn and create and my frustration about my lack of technical ability to re-create the crazy things in my mind. Except for a dramatic teenager tone behind all my past writing, nothing has really changed. I still feel that overwhelming need, and that frustrating lack of ability. I don't know if five more years will pass and I will still be writing about this and I don't know if my personality will ever really find one thing that gives me that "I was made for this" feeling, it may be a culmination of a lot of different things. But i do know that I have this ravenous hunger for life and learning and I cant wait to see where it takes me. I may not have overly skilled hands, but I have a willing heart.
Most people have a normal work schedule and kind of settle into a built-in routine but because we have our own businesses our schedules don't really contain built-in breaks so we have to make our own, or we’ll slip into the trap of working all the time. Bryan is such a hard worker (one of my favorite qualities of his) but if I didn't stop him every once and a while to take a breath and relax, I honestly don't think he would! So we are a little more proactive about planning fun time so that we don't get burnt out and to ensure that we keep a happy and positive outlook on life. This weekend has been one of those fun ones. Saturday I headed down to our friend Trevor's surprise party and Bryan met me there after his job. It was such a great group of friends and we came home with sore stomaches and jaws from laughing soo hard. Sunday we relaxed the first part of the day and then we headed down to Moonlight beach with my parents after Bryan's meetings to play on the sand and eat dinner. If you have never eaten at UNION kitchen and tap... do it. The ambience is perfect and the food was delish!! We stopped off at our friend Erick's house to hang out with him and Kayla for a while and then took our sleepy little baby home. Monday was some kind of crazy day at Disneyland and we didn't know it until we were there and lost in a sea of sooo many people! It was nice to have my mom with us for a change and we made the best of the crowds. Tom Sawyer's island is never packed and it ended up being Marley's favorite part of Disneyland!
Friday, June 1, 2012
The beginning and the end of most things, are beautiful. At the beginning your eyes are wide with the gleaming hope of the future and the endless possibilities ahead. At the end, you have gained an understanding and an appreciation for all of the things that have sprung up and grown from your hard work. You finally see the completion of one big dream or the culmination of a million little dreams and you are left with a full heart and a confident spirit. Its that middle, transitionary phase however, that can be a little tricky. Its hard to stay focused and move forward while blindly trying to find your way in a place of so many unknowns. I feel like that is the place where Bryan and I are right now. We are working toward stability and finding a home that is a perfect place to raise our family. We are weighing the future possibilities in our careers and shuffling through new possibilities of new careers. We are waiting for God to bless us with another child. We are waiting to hear his voice and direction and working to trust in his plan for our future. Its proven a little hard to weed through what is alright to spend our time working toward and what is just our selfish ambition getting in the way. For me, trusting God with the desires of my heart has been difficult at points. I look back at the time when we found out I was pregnant with Marley. We were newlyweds still trying to figure out our relationship and where we were even going to live that month. The last thing we expected was that we were going to be blessed with the task of bringing a baby into the world. Now I wouldn't ever look back and doubt Gods plan for a second because I see how perfectly orchestrated it was. His timing was impeccable, the child he blessed us with is perfect in every way and the unity he brought to our marriage along the way is immeasurable. I just find it funny that God decided to give us a child on our honeymoon night when we have spent what seems like ages of our married lives pleading in prayer for another child. I know he is in the process of teaching me something but right when I think I have given him full control of my life, that overwhelming desire for a child creeps up on me and replaces my trust in him with so much fear. Right now I'm just in the middle. I cant see the end and I cant see his plan. I'm fumbling in the dark and straining to hear his voice and his direction but i know this stage in life will be attributed to so much growth and refinement later on. This month has been a month of a few broken expectations, but thank the Lord they are being broken. I welcome this change with open arms because its only when you lose your expectations that you are able to fully let go and let God do his work. Before long you realize that he gave you more than you ever dreamed and more than you ever expected. This month was also super fun and active. We had a mothers day picnic and photo shoot with family, lots of beach trips, bike rides, mommy and me swim days, a spa day with my mom, walks around our neighborhood lake, healthy home cooked meals, a memorial day pool party, naps in the shade and quiet hours in the library. My dad made Marley her first big girl bed and we moved her room into a big spacious room with a view. Marley Girl, you are one spoiled and looovvvveddd little girl.