Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Baby Thrane

I don't really want to share what happened. I really don't want to talk about it and words really cant describe how I feel, but I've got to get my emotions out somehow.

I lost my child last night, one of the family already. Baby Thrane, I loved you already. I had you pictured in my head... what you would look like, how Marley would play with you, your little body in my arms. I don't know how Im going to recover from this.

I started bleeding at noon on Christmas Eve and after two days of staying positive and truly thinking there was something else wrong because I had just seen your perfect heartbeat, we decided to go to the Emergency Room in Fallbrook after dropping Marley at my moms. After having so much hope at the Emergency room yesterday, trying to stay positive, the ultrasound specialists tricky smiles, trying to read the nurses expressions... 6 hours of being poked and pricked, 5 vials of blood and waiting and waiting. They send in some German who cant even talk to tell me, "You're baby isnt alive. You're going to bleed a lot, you will be really scared, a lot of blood, terrifying amount." When I started crying he told Bryan "women cant handle this kind of thing". I thought my husband was going to punch him and barf all at the same time. I guess he's right, Im not handling it well. I am not ok. I wish that it could just be over. The fact that I have to have labor pains for a week and see my baby come out is even more unbearable. 

It doesn't feel like Im ever going to be ok. Bryan says we can start trying again right away because I wasn't too far along but I just don't want any other baby. You were perfect. I saw your cute little body and saw your strong heart. I keep thinking I shouldn't have picked that heavy thing up, I should have taken it easy, I shouldn't have jumped in that stupid kinect game, I shouldn't have stressed so much, I shouldn't have done all that cleaning. You were just perfect and fine before Christmas.

i have been through so much in my young life, but this sadness is more than any hurt I've ever felt. I look at my daughter and I'm reminded that even if I cant ever have another... I have one perfect, happy, vibrant daughter. She's what keeps me going.

6 comments:

Little Tara said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Amber, i can't even imagine how you feel, and i know you'll be hearing that alot. :( God does what seems like crazy unbearable things to us....but its all for a reason....Baby Thrane will always be your baby, and this special baby is wrapped in Gods arms right now just loving you and watching over you and the rest of its family.

Fleur De Moi said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say but truly, I am sorry for your loss.

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