After a long week of fighting colds, fevers and teething, Marley and I are exhausted. There was a time when she had close to six hours straight of crying under her belt. [When i say crying I mean... on the floor, passionate screaming, floods of tears, a swollen face and violent rolls or kicks.] It was the moment she became too tired to stand, fell flat on her face and gave herself a bloody nose that I felt as though i was watching this woman that I’ve become from above. She is familiar in so many ways, and vastly different in others. Its moments like these ones, when I have done all that I can possibly think of and more to help Marley, that i often feel this tickle of doubt and a stifling cloud of fear overwhelm me.
What am I doing?
The truth is, I ask myself that question on a regular basis. What am I doing? Am I not doing enough? Am I doing too much? What should I be doing differently?
Becoming a parent has shifted every single facet of my life. The goals I have for myself and my life, the things that are important to me, the decisions I make, my definition of happiness… all of these things and more have taken on a completely different viewpoint for me in such amazing ways.
But the fear and doubt that comes with managing the day in and day out experience of being a good mom and wife, keeping a clean home and nurturing my career sometimes gets the best of me. I know I'm not the first mom to ever wonder what the heck I'm doing and the truth is... none of us really know... and i guess that's the beauty of it all. There is no right way. That is the scariest statement ever, but also the most reassuring. My example of Christ and the best of my parents parenting is all that i have to work with... and let me tell you... i'm workin' it :)
I know that one day my children will be out in the world, perhaps even learning the same lessons I am now. And I will be missing these days so much. I will wish more than anything that i could be the one to hold Marley when she cries. The very moments that I sometimes try to wish away now will be the very ones I will long for. One day I will long for the high pitch squeal of a little girl’s laughter in my ears, for her snot from crying alllll over my clothes, for the weight of her tiny body when she dream in my arms.
These are the best days of my life: may i never let a single moment pass me by.