Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year!

We've had an eventful 2011 filled with so many fond memories!
Marley's birthday, a million camping trips and beach trips, sailing, Cabo San Lucas, Lake Arrowhead a few times, moved into our new house, got another dog and a turtle and a fish, a ton of Disneyland and Sea World trips and so much fun with family and friends... Cant wait for what 2012 has in store for us.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Peace in the Midst

There have been so many friends and family who have offered up so much amazing comfort and encouragement during this time. I thought some of this could help others who have gone through the same thing.  I think that Bryan's dad got sick of not being able to hold his grandchild so God gave him his very own to hold.

Another friend gave me an excerpt from the book "heaven is for real". It is about an astounding four year olds trip to heaven and back. He had gone in for an emergency surgery and when he woke up he had the most amazing story about how he had left his body. He authenticated the claim by describing exactly what his parents were doing in another part of the hospital while he was being operated on. He talked of visiting heaven and relayed stories told to him by people he met there whom he had never met in life, sharing events that had happened even before he was born. Here is an expert that brought me to tears, so worth the time to read it: 

"one evening in October, I was sitting in the kitchen table, working in a sermon. Sonja was around the corner in the living room, working on business books, processing job tickets, and sorting through payables. Cassiebplayed barbie dolls at her feet. I heard Coltons footsteps passing up the hallway and caught a glimpse of him circling the couch, where he planted himself directly in front of Sonja."mommy, I have two sisters," Colton saidI our downy pen. Sonja didn't. She kept on working.Colton repeated himself. "Mommy, I have two sisters."Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly. "No, you have your sister Cassie, and.... Do you mean your cousin Traci?""No." Colton clipped off the word adamantly. "I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn't you?"At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household, and Sonjas eyes grew wide. Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his Mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention. "Who told you that I had a baby die in my tummy?" Sonja said, her tone serious."she did, mommy. She said she died in you tummy."Then Colton turned and started to walk away. He had said what he had to say and was ready to move on. But after the bomb he'd just dropped, Sonja was just getting started. Before our son could get around the couch, Sonjas voice rang out in an all-hands-on-deck red alert. "Colton Todd Burpo, you get back here Ruhr now!"Colton spun around a d caught my eye. His face said, what did I just do?I knew what my wife had to be feeling. Losing that baby was the most painful event of her life. We had explained it to Cassie; she was older. But we hadn't told Colton, judging the topic a bit beyond a four year olds capacity to understand. From the table, I watched quietly as emotional rioted across Sonjas face.A bit nervously, Colton slunk back around the couch and faced his mom again, this time much more warily. "it's okay, Mommy," he said. "she's okay. God adopted her."Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes. "Don't you mean Jesus adopted her?" she said."No, Mommy. His Dad did!"Sonja turned and looked at me. In that moment, she later tod me, she was trying to stay calm, but she was overwhelmed. Our baby...was-is a girl,she thought.Sonja focused on Colton, and I could hear the effort it took to steady her voice. "So what did she look like."" She looked slot like Cassie," Colton said. "She is just a little bit smaller, and shehas dark hair."Sonjas dark I watched, a blend of pain and joy played across my wife's face. Cassie and Colton have my blonde hair. She had even jokingly complained to me before," I carry these kids for nine mo this, and they both come outlooking like you!" now there was a child who looked like her. A daughter. I saw the first hint of moisture glint in my wife's eyes.Now Colton wentn on without prompting. "In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, she wouldn't stop hugging me," he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn't enjoy all this hugging from a girl."Maybe, she was just hPpy that someone from her family was there," Sonja offered. "Girls hug. When we are happy, we hug."Colton didn't seem convinced.Sonjas eyes lit up and she asked, " What was her name?" what was the little girls name?Colton seemed to forget all the yucky girl hugs for a moment. "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."How did he know that?"You're right, Colton," Sonja said. "We didn't even know she was a she."Then Colton said something thatbstill rings in my ears; "Yeah, she said she just cant wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven."From the kitchen table, I could see Sonj was barely holding it together. she gave Colton a kiss and told him he could go play. And when he left the room, tears spilled over her cheeks."Our baby is okay," she whispered. "Our baby is okay."From that moment on, the wound from one of the most painful episodes in our lives, losing a child we wanted very much,began to heal. For me, losing the baby was a terrible blow. But Sonja had tod me that to her, the miscarriage not only seared her heT with grief, but it also felt like a personal failure."You do all the right things, eat all the right things, and you pray for the baby's health, but still this tiny baby dies inside you." she had once tod me. " I feel guilty. I know in my mind that it wasn't my fault, but theres still guilt."We had wanted to believe that our unborn child had gone to heaven. Even though the Bible is largely silent on this point, we had accepted it on faith. But now, we had an eyewitness: a daughter we had never met was waiting eagerly for us in eternity. From then in, Sonja and I began to joke about who would get to heaven first. There were several reasons she had always wanted to outlive me. For one thing, a pastors wife has to put up with being used as a sermon illustration a lot. If I died first, she's always told me, shed finally get to tell the congregation all her stories about me.But now Sonja had a reason for wNting to reach heaven first. When she was pregnant with the child we lost, we had picked out a boys name-Colton-but we never could agree on a name for a little girl. I liked Kelsey, she liked Caitlin, and neither of us would budge. But now that we know our little girl doesn't have a name yet, we constantly tell each other, "I'm going to beat you to heaven to name her first!"

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Baby Thrane

I don't really want to share what happened. I really don't want to talk about it and words really cant describe how I feel, but I've got to get my emotions out somehow.

I lost my child last night, one of the family already. Baby Thrane, I loved you already. I had you pictured in my head... what you would look like, how Marley would play with you, your little body in my arms. I don't know how Im going to recover from this.

I started bleeding at noon on Christmas Eve and after two days of staying positive and truly thinking there was something else wrong because I had just seen your perfect heartbeat, we decided to go to the Emergency Room in Fallbrook after dropping Marley at my moms. After having so much hope at the Emergency room yesterday, trying to stay positive, the ultrasound specialists tricky smiles, trying to read the nurses expressions... 6 hours of being poked and pricked, 5 vials of blood and waiting and waiting. They send in some German who cant even talk to tell me, "You're baby isnt alive. You're going to bleed a lot, you will be really scared, a lot of blood, terrifying amount." When I started crying he told Bryan "women cant handle this kind of thing". I thought my husband was going to punch him and barf all at the same time. I guess he's right, Im not handling it well. I am not ok. I wish that it could just be over. The fact that I have to have labor pains for a week and see my baby come out is even more unbearable. 

It doesn't feel like Im ever going to be ok. Bryan says we can start trying again right away because I wasn't too far along but I just don't want any other baby. You were perfect. I saw your cute little body and saw your strong heart. I keep thinking I shouldn't have picked that heavy thing up, I should have taken it easy, I shouldn't have jumped in that stupid kinect game, I shouldn't have stressed so much, I shouldn't have done all that cleaning. You were just perfect and fine before Christmas.

i have been through so much in my young life, but this sadness is more than any hurt I've ever felt. I look at my daughter and I'm reminded that even if I cant ever have another... I have one perfect, happy, vibrant daughter. She's what keeps me going.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve

Tonight we spent our Christmas Eve at our house indulging in a mexican feast with Bryans side of the family. We had a 3 foot burrito, rice and beans, tamales, toquitos, quesadillas, chips and guac, salad... the works! It was such a fun night we all had a blast! 
Marley got a bike from her aunt melissa, a car from her grandma thrane, a hairdresser doll from her grandparents and tons of other little goodies. I got a sweet new juicer complete with fruit and spinach from Bryans mom! Bryan got a funnel cake machine (his favooortittte) and a game from his mom. 

A few updates

On Thursday we saw our little baby and heard the heartbeat! Im kind of glad that I have the worst memory in the world because its almost like I get to experience it for the first time! It made it a little more real for us, and I was able to get an anti-nausea medication! So hopefully Ill be able to function a little better this pregnancy!
I went the lazy route this year and instead of doing a ton of fancy gift wrapping, I did gift bags! How have I overlooked the amazingness of these all these years??!! Its amazing. 
I set Marley up with juice, popcorn and Barney while I wrapped her presents and thought for surrree that would do the trick. Wellllll, she ended up seeing a few of her toys haha.
MMM my first time ever sleeping in flannel sheets and let me tell you... it was a very good night! Another thing my husband introduced me to that I cant believe I ever lived without! 

Merry Christmas from Santa and his Reindeer!! 

Capturing an amazing day

I made a little video of my little niece's birth. It was such a blessing to be a part of and I was so honored to be able to capture pieces of emotion from that amazing day!

We are so excited to be the kind of Aunt and Uncle to Zoe as my brother and his wife have been to Marley. Here was the first of many kisses to come from Marley to her cousin Zoe!

Botanical Gardens

Having a strange family that no one really understands unless you know us... perfect... It draws us all closer and brings us all together. So thankful for my amazing family this Christmas. There are so many fond memories that I have with my parents and my brothers and sisters on Christmas: reading the Bible together and finding the nativity scene characters hidden all around my house, talking all night with my brother because the excitement of Christmas was killing us, waking up to a snowy Christmas, spending Christmas Eve Eve with our close friends. I am so happy that I have what so many people dream about and what so many people cant understand- a family that loves to be together, sooo full of love and dedication for each other and our families. 

I am so blessed to have an amazing husband who is the best father for my children that I could have ever asked for. Adding him to the family has been so seamless and perfect, he loves my family as his own and they love him sooo incredibly much. He considers my brothers his close friends!!?? We are soo perfect for each other and Im so thankful that God brought us together and has blessed our marriage so much. Next Christmas we will have a second little baby! How did I get so grown up? Haha I love that i can carry on my Christmas traditions with my husband and that our kids can experience the joy that I that I shared with my brothers and sisters on Christmas! 

Last night we went to the Botanical Gardens in Encinitas to see all of the gorgeous scenery lit up. There was a Santa, food, and live music. All my family and my aunt from Arkansas came, her daughter and granddaughter from Seattle came, my Uncle and Aunt, my cousins, my grandparents... It was so nice to all walk around and see each other during the best time of year!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Snow and Zoe!!

On Sunday Bryan and I spent the evening at my parents for a pot roast dinner in order to be closer to my brother and his wife in case they had their baby. After hearing that there was no progression, they scheduled to be induced on Tuesday morning at 7. Richelle called us on Monday morning and after hearing there was still no progress, Bryan and I decided last minute to head up to Arrowhead to play in the snow and get a picture of Marley with the same Santa we did last year. Well santa wasnt there... but we walked around the village, got hot chocolate, and headed over by my old house by the golf course to find some good snow. Marley was unsure at first and Im pretty sure her snow suit made it impossible for her to move around haha but she got it after a while. It ended up being such a blast! We made our first snowman as a family, made a few snow angels, ate a ton of delicious snow and headed down to the Mission Inn to see the lights.
The Mission Inn was gorgeous! We had some dinner, showed Marley all the creepy moving elf dolls, saw a few adorable reindeer and after waiting for an hour for the horse and carriage ride, we took our exhausted baby home. 
I tried soo hard to sleep that night because at 4:30 am I was going to head down to finally hold my niece Zoe for the first time! After running out of coffee, and waking up a sleepy baby,  we stumbling out of the house half dead on two hours of sleep and headed down to Scripps Hospital in La Jolla. 
There was an awesome waiting area with toys, we brought our ipads, went to lunch, went to dinner, visited with my brother and Richelle off and on... and finally at around 5:00 I went into the room to video my amazing niece being born. 

I had nooo idea how amazing this experience would be! My sister in law Richelle was a champ, and my brother Ian was there to hold her hand, get her water and encourage, her mom Debbie held her legs up, journaled details for Zoe, took pictures, and encouraged her daughter. After about an hour or so of pushing, I witnessed the birth of Zoe James. My brother almost fainted from emotion and watching it all, Richelle was the most proud and happy mom in the world and Zoe was the most quite, adorable little thing ever. The parents did skin to skin as soon as she was born and the moment I saw my brother rocking his daughter in his arms I lost it even more than I was already losing it. God is so amazing. I am soo in awe of his amazing work, the way he orchestrates everything, the way he brings a child into the world... wow. So beautiful. I seriously want a million children.
Welcome to this world Zoe! 6 pounds 12 ounces, 19 inches. Youre perfect. Im going to spoil the heck out of you. Cant wait for Marley to meet you and give you kisses.

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