"If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner."
— Beth Moore
The last few days have been thought filled. The kind of thoughts that snow ball more thoughts and end up bringing you to so many conclusions and realizations that you're left overwhelmed and exhausted. Its a good place to be at the end of it, when you can kind of make a little sense of it all... and here is some of the sense I made:
Life is hard. Its overwhelming and its beautiful. Its filled with so many moments that are so hard to push through and it's offset by all the little beautiful moments that make it all worthwhile. Its a struggle to live selflessly... to get that bottle at 2 am for your screaming baby after you work, have clients, clean and make dinner... when all you want to do is sleep.
I worked the coffee shop after hours the other night for a bible study group, and in listening to Pastor Jim (of who knows what church), i realized that i am the same stupid Israelite that is whining in the desert after being rescued from slavery in Egypt. God parts waters for me. He destroys armies of men for me. He provides what i need. He displays his provision and love for me day after day... and i look back at slavery longingly because "at least i knew what to expect everyday". I struggle with the same tendency the Israelite's did also when they took more manna than they could eat (which led to the manna spoiling) instead of just trusting that God would take care of them the next day and the days to come.
I listen to a lot of people spill their guts out to me while working at the coffee shop about the complications and hardships going on in their lives (baristas are kind of like bar tenders that way, and its one thing i have learned to absolutely love about the job description). One common theme that i see is the issue of money. Just in a few instances in my personal life lately i have learned to hate the stuff also. It makes life harder. It hurts and ruins relationships, it destroys whole communities, governments etc... Even the best of men fall prey to its sticky little green fingers. Through their stories, i learn a little more about how i want to live my life and what i choose everyday to make important in it. I don't want to live my life for money. Im tired of stressing about it, im tired of seeing my husband and my family stress about it. Im tired of seeing the world hurt for it. So im going to start changing my focus. I'm going to start living the beautiful, crazy, unexpectable life that God has for me right now and work to see money as just a means to an end... not the end all be all, or the thing i work my life away to obtain... because even though me and the rest of Americas lives would be a lot easier with it... Gods obviously has got it worked out a different way. I'm going to start trusting him to bring my manna a day at a time, even if it doesn't seem like much, or isn't something that i can forecast for days to come.
So i know life is hard... hang in there. Breathe. Remember that oppression and self pity are dangerous webs we weave. "Poor me" leads to never rising above and realizing that the beauty that God intends for us is just around the corner. Reassess, change your focus... and trust him!